Spanking is one of those kinks that seems very straightforward. Person A hits Person B on the bum, and that’s about it. But in practice, there’s a huge amount of variety when it comes to impact play.
I’ve been enjoying it for years – in fact, I often describe it as my ‘gateway kink’, and the thing that first enticed me into the world of BDSM. In this guide, I’ll look at why people enjoy spanking, some of the different ways you can incorporate it into a scene, and how to keep things safe and enjoyable.
What is spanking and impact play?
Impact play is a BDSM practice involving consensual physical impact, usually with one person receiving and another administering it. Spanking is one of the most common forms of impact play, but there are plenty of other ways to explore it, from a playful slap on the bum during sex to more intense play with paddles, floggers or canes.
For many people, the aim of spanking and impact play is to create sexual or sensual pleasure, while others enjoy incorporating impact into punishment, roleplay or ‘funishment’ within a consensual Dom/sub dynamic.
Why do people like spanking?
Although from the outside it might seem strange that people enjoy being spanked, there are many reasons for it. For one thing, spanking isn’t always necessarily painful, especially when administered on the bum – impact can cause a strong physical sensation that is intense rather than unpleasant. This doesn’t mean, though, that pleasure can’t be derived from actually painful spankings. In fact, there are people who would be disappointed by a spanking that didn’t truly hurt.
A big reason for this is often psychological. For people who enjoy BDSM and Dom/sub dynamics, being spanked can be a way of surrendering control to your Dominant. This element of surrender can also make spanking feel deeply intimate. Knowing that your partner understands your boundaries and is paying attention to your responses can be an important part of what makes the experience pleasurable (it is for me, anyway!).
There are plenty of people who enjoy giving a spanking rather than receiving one, too. Some of the spankers I’ve played with have told me it’s about the feeling of control, the intimacy of the dynamic or simply the satisfaction of watching me squirm. Others have been much more straightforward: they just love the sight of my arse slowly turning pink under their hands, and I can’t really blame ’em.
Not everyone who enjoys spanking is looking for a profound exploration of dominance and submission. Sometimes it’s simply exciting and playful! Anticipation can be a big part of the fun, too – waiting for a strike to land, not knowing whether it will hurt or not, can create a pleasant, arousing suspense. Some Dominants who aren’t necessarily sadistic are much more interested in this aspect of impact play. They don’t want to cause pain, they just don’t want you to know that!
Getting started with spanking
Communication & consent
It’s always important to have an open discussion about consent and boundaries with your partner before embarking on any kind of BDSM play. This absolutely includes spanking, which isn’t a one-size-fits-all activity.
As a Dom, or spanker, you might have played with someone who was able to take 10 hard swings of the paddle without blinking – that does not mean this is the case for everyone you’ll play with. Similarly, as a sub or spankee, your tolerance for pain can vary depending on several factors – from room temperature, to how long it’s been since you were last spanked, and even changes in your hormones. This should all be kept in mind when discussing your impact play boundaries.
One thing I like to do with a new partner is figure out the purpose of the spanking. If it’s a punishment, the intent might be for it to be humiliating, painful or both. So then the conversation becomes: what level of pain and/or humiliation is acceptable to the submissive?
Similar questions should be asked if the purpose is to explore sadism and masochism. If you enjoy causing or receiving pain, how much pain are you looking for? Pain is relative, and a good sadist isn’t necessarily the person who hits the hardest. They’re the person who understands what their partner experiences as painful and uses that knowledge to create the experience they’re both looking for. Sadism can mean something as simple as tickling someone, if you know they absolutely hate being tickled.
It’s worth thinking about the psychological impact, too. Spanking can be very psychologically evocative and certain positions, implements, or the level of intensity, can be triggering. If someone experienced spanking as punishment as a child, for instance, they might not want it to be associated with punishment when they play with a partner. For others, BDSM can be a way of deliberately recontextualising or reclaiming experiences that once felt frightening.
Causing physical pain to another person and enjoying it can also be confusing or disconcerting for a Dom, particularly if they’re new to sadism, so it’s good to have a plan for coming back down after an intense scene.
And, of course, consent doesn’t end once the scene begins. A negotiated boundary isn’t a challenge to be pushed until someone uses their safeword. You should be paying attention to your partner throughout the scene and be prepared to slow down or stop if something doesn’t seem right.
Choosing your impact play implement
Your choice of implement will largely depend on the discussions you’ve had with your play partner. Some people are perfectly happy with a hand spanking or being paddled, but don’t want to be anywhere near a cane. Once you’re clear on your partner’s preferences and boundaries, you can start thinking about what kind of sensation you’re looking for.
One of the biggest distinctions is between ‘sting-y’ and ‘thuddy’ impact. Thin, light implements tend to produce a sharper, stingier sensation, while thicker, heavier implements tend to feel deeper and thuddier (my personal favourite).
You should also think about how much control and feedback you want. Hand spanking allows the spanker to adjust the intensity very easily. Other implements can create sensations that are harder to reproduce with a hand, but may require more experience and precision.
My advice to Doms or spankers is to try new implements on themselves first. It won’t perfectly replicate the experience of receiving it, but it can give you some idea of the sensation and intensity before you introduce it into a scene.
Warming up
It is generally good practice to ‘warm up’ before a spanking, especially when you’re playing with a new partner. Start with a light hand spanking and gradually build up to harder hits or different implements. This allows the spankee to acclimatise and gives the spanker a chance to gauge their reactions. It also often means that the spanking can go on for longer – I personally am able to tolerate much longer spankings, and more intense pain, when it has been slowly built up.
This is not to say that warming up is compulsory. Some people enjoy the shock of their Dom ‘going in cold’. The important thing is that this is never assumed by the Dominant and should always be discussed first. When in doubt, start soft!
For me, the key distinction is between deliberately skipping a warm up because it’s what the scene calls for and going in hard without knowing what your partner can tolerate. The former is a consensual part of the experience and the latter is simply poor communication.
When I play with spankers for the first time, I like to ask them to start by hitting me half as hard as they’d like to. That gives me a good idea of where they’re heading, and allows me to communicate whether it’s a good starting point for our warm up. I don’t enjoy my Doms going in cold, unless I know them extremely well and it has been carefully discussed beforehand.
Impact play implements
I’ve mentioned different implements a few times in this blog. Here’s a bit more detail on some of the most popular impact play toys and methods.
Hand spanking
Ah, the original, and dare I say best, spanker’s tool: the hand. Portable, hard to lose and very effective, the humble hand spanking should never be underestimated. Being hand spanked is one of my favourite impact play experiences for several reasons – it’s intimate, it’s classic and I can take it for longer than other impact toys, which means more fun for us both.
Hand spanking allows you to get up close and personal with your submissive in a way that’s not possible with things like canes, floggers and whips. Having your partner bent over your knee, giving you tantalising access to their body, is one of the real joys of a hand spanking.
There’s something both comforting and gently humiliating about receiving a hand spanking. My Doms have noted the satisfaction of leaving handprints on my skin and seeing the effect they can have without ever having to pick up another implement.
Paddles
Paddles are a common progression from hand spanking. They’re easy to wield, and still allow you to be physically close to your submissive during the action. The intensity of a paddle depends a lot on its weight, surface area and material, so don’t assume that one paddle will have the same impact as another.
Round, leather paddles give a similar experience to a hand spanking, whereas thick wooden paddles can feel thuddier, and are more likely to leave bruises. You can also get paddles with metal or silicone studs, which are more painful for obvious reasons!
Floggers
Floggers have the advantage of looking intimidating, without necessarily being overly painful. My favourites are heavy floggers, with lots of soft, long strands. Floggers are good implements for using across someone’s back, as the impact is distributed across a large surface area. The sensation is very thuddy, like having the wind knocked out of you.
With a suitable flogger and the right technique, you can create a substantial impact without necessarily leaving lasting marks. Having said this, don’t start off swinging as hard as you can – not everyone enjoys the sensation, and it does still hurt!
As with paddles, the sensation depends on the material and thickness of the tail. It’s good to bear this in mind when picking one out.
Canes
Of all the implements I’ve mentioned, canes are among the more demanding impact toys to use safely. They can cause a lot of pain without much effort from the spanker, and their small surface area means that you need to have good aim to avoid hitting parts of the body you don’t intend to strike, such as the lower back.
For people who are new to caning, I often recommend practising your aim on a pillow. Try to hit the same spot every time to improve your accuracy, and always make your swings lighter than feels natural. It’s easy to break the skin with just one hard hit, which is a hard limit for a lot of people (me included!). If you’ve never received a caning before, give your Dom feedback about how each hit feels, and don’t be afraid to ask for breaks or to call it off completely if it’s too much. This, of course, goes for every implement I’ve mentioned, not just canes!
Although caning can be intense, it can also be a lot of fun, and there are plenty of caning veterans out there. I personally enjoy a caning after a thorough warm-up with a trusted partner, and it works brilliantly for me as a punishment.
Spanking safety
I’ve already covered some aspects of spanking safety in this article, such as warming up before you start. Another thing, and one that is absolutely vital for anyone engaging in impact play, whether giving or receiving, is knowing where on the body it is safest to hit.
The safest area to spank is the bum – specifically, the centre of the buttocks. Because your bum contains layers of fat and the largest muscle in the body (looking at you, gluteus maximus), it is naturally resilient and well suited to absorbing impact. The fat and muscle in your buttocks help to cushion impact and keep it away from the pelvic bones. But just because it’s the safest area, doesn’t mean it’s 100% safe. Depending on the weight of your implement and the force of your hits, you could still cause substantial bruising, including to deeper tissues and bone. 
Some other spankable areas are the lower buttocks, or your ‘sit spot’, and upper thighs. These areas are more sensitive than the buttocks, though, with a greater risk of bruising. The upper back and backs of the shoulders can also be appropriate for flogging or whipping. More experienced spankers/spankees might explore impact play on the palms of their hands, soles of their feet, and even their genitals, but these areas carry considerable risk and shouldn’t be attempted by beginners.
Perhaps more important than knowing where you can spank is knowing where you can’t. One area I always point out is the lower back, because it’s quite easy to hit accidentally if you aren’t concentrating when spanking someone’s bum. This is where your kidneys and the base of your spine are, so always stay present when you’re spanking someone. If you’re the one being spanked, inform your partner if they hit this area so they can adjust their aim.
Other key areas to avoid are:
- The spine
- Joints (elbows, knees, wrists and ankles)
- The neck, face and head
- The belly
- The shins
In the interest of being safe rather than sorry, stick to the bum and upper thighs when you’re starting out, especially with a new partner!
Aftercare
One of my favourite parts of spanking is actually the bit that happens afterwards, when I’m floating down from a submissive high and being cared for by my partner. I sometimes feel particularly vulnerable in these moments and need some time to ‘come back’ to myself. Cuddles, praise and a glass of water (perhaps a cup of tea, if it was a particularly intense scene!) are my preferred aftercare ingredients, along with some gentle rubs on the sore areas! If there is bruising, I find having arnica cream or body lotion massaged into my skin particularly soothing.
Everyone’s aftercare requirements and preferences are different. Some people prefer not to receive aftercare from their partner at all, and would rather self-soothe. Find out from your partner before playing what would be most helpful for them. If you are the spanker, you should also be aware of the potential for ‘Dom-drop’, which can manifest in feelings of guilt or confusion. Sometimes, reassurance from the sub or spankee can help. Either way, having a conversation about the scene – what you enjoyed, what you’d change, how you feel physically and emotionally – is a great thing to include as part of your aftercare routine.
If reading this has made you curious about exploring spanking or impact play with me, find out more about my submissive experience.